My Paris story & what self doubts had to do with it

Paris. It will be 6 years in October that I have been living in my soul city. My home city.

But do you know the “story before the story”?

Moving to Paris, getting a job, an appartment, settling down - this all was so easy and truly just perfect for me.

But, there’s the story before the story. And it’s about how I created something in my head. And how I believed in it. And it was all fake. But I allowed it to become real. I allowed something false to stop myself.

It went like this:

I had a dream about living in Paris. I thought it was too much, too impossible, too unreal. I thought I was not good enough. I was convinced that I would never make it.

The end.

This was me back then. This was me “having a dream”. Which meant destroying this dream in the minute when realising that I had a dream.

100% not believing into myself. 100% false believes. 100% irrational thinking.

What happened?

I started to look for smaller cities in France. Which was not at all what I wanted. But I received the advice that it would be easier for me to live in a smaller city. I simply accepted and believed this advice. This adivce the other person gave me because this person did not dare to live in Paris, because this other person did not make it in Paris or was too scared to go for it. And I decided to accept this and believe in it.

In the end, I had my own false belief about not being enough for Paris PLUS this other person’s false belief. Makes 2 x I am not enough for Paris.

Writing this, makes me feel so sad about the Jana I was back then.

About the Jana that made herself so small.

About the Jana that did not dare to dream.

About the Jana that thought so little hof herself.

It makes me want to take this old version of myself into my arms and tell her how hard and disrespectful she was with herself. And how much potential there was within her. If only she realised how she manipulated herself with the wrong thoughts she decided to have. With the wrong thoughts she decided to nurture herself.

It took me almost two years to give it a try and to apply for a job in Paris.

I was 31. And then, one day, I saw a job offer. And for the first time, I listened to my intuition. And I applied.

And it worked.

I am not my false beliefs.

You are not your false beliefs.